Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
