in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
