Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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