he puts the penis in happiness.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
