apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
