I just threw up on my dentist
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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