There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
