I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
