I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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