If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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