his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
