I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
