my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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