Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
