The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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