She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
