We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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