What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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