regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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