I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
