you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
