Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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