At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
