I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
