I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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