Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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