He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
