I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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