my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
