We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
