You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No subtext here. People are naked.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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