Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
