i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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