I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
