I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
