what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
