My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
