Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
