My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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