I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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