The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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