I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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