hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
