I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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