Pregnant stripper...not hot.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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