I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
