I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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