I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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