Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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