Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
