If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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