and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sorry my hands just texted you
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
